Yesterday wasn’t a very good day. First, I was disappointed by some one’s greed, when I thought he was a lot more altruistic. Then, I had a series of meetings that made me feel like a total failure at work, capped off by a dinner during which my discomfort manifested itself as diarrhea of the mouth. I was mortified. I’m thinking of moving to Australia.
So today I feel like I have an emotional hangover and I have close to zero desire to get out of bed and face my day. I’m feeling pretty certain it will suck as badly as yesterday, and probably my hair won’t cooperate, and I will have nothing to contribute to my work meetings, and I’ll get spinach in my teeth and no one will tell me for an hour. Yup, best to stay in bed and finish Archangel’s Kiss, by Nalini Singh. But wait, if I’m going to read I’m going to think. What would Elena do in my situation? Would she stay in bed and let her disappointment dictate her behavior? I don’t think so. In fact, I’m sure she wouldn’t. She would get up and charge into her day, not letting herself be distracted by the negative naysayers in her head. I really need to channel my inner Elena right about now.
It really is easy to get discouraged and throw in the towel. Some days, it seems so much more seductive to give up than to go on– even when the choice is less dramatic than life and death and just involves suiting up and showing up to the reality of our lives.
Right now, my brain is playing an endless loop of my pathetic performance at last night’s dinner. If I had put my foot in my mouth any more often, I would have died of starvation because I wouldn’t have had any room for the food they served– prepared by a private chef, no less. I felt outclassed and uncomfortable, and my go-to tic is to talk too much.
Again, I’m thinking of Elena, a newly-Made angel just joining an exclusive club whose members have been together for centuries. Talk about feeling like a fish out of water. But that feeling doesn’t discount her own sense of self-worth– or at least not enough to back down from taking her place among them – no matter how out of place it feels.
That didn’t happen for me yesterday. I really felt out of step the entire day, and today that displacement is coloring my entire perspective. It’s both uncomfortable and unpleasant and I just want it all to go away. And, of course, it will. Probably quite soon. That’s what Elena and her determination and drive have to teach me. Even when we feel like frauds because we don’t feel like we deserve our space amidst the angels– or even among those two didn’t totally screw up yesterday– we can I feel like we’ve earned our position—just by continuing to show up even when we don’t want to. Elena keeps coming back for more, bruised and battered, maybe, but getting stronger for having taken the hits and not letting them keep her down.
Can I do the same? I’m not really feeling it right now, I’ve got to say. But I keep telling myself that feelings are not facts, and I can certainly fake it till I make it today. So what if I’m not feeling it? Does it really matter? Do I need to make that relevant in my decision to take action? No I don’t. Once again, as frequently seems to be the case for me, a little perspective—complements of my favorite fantasy novels—is in order. Yesterday is over and today is a new day. I made some mistakes and I endured some disappointments. Life will go on. I can get up and do what I need to do today. Because moving to Australia is probably going to involve too much paperwork.